okai.. i am writing this because i think that i really need to release some things that has been hidden in my heart for a long time..

it is weird.. this feelings is very weird to me.. my heart feels so painful.. it feels like something has been ripped apart by something.. it also felt so empty.. i wonder why..

these days i kept thinking that i would never be able to see him again.. when i think of it, i felt so lonely and afraid.. i am afraid to be lonely.. i want to be with somebody i love.. i know that this is kind of mushy and stuff but i really need to let go of this burden in my heart..

sometimes, i feel that if i were to have no emotion, would i be safe from all the pains, cruelty and hurting in this world? no.. this is because there would never be a time where humans have no feelings or emotions..

it is asking to much to be with someone? they always said that you should never chase love as love would come naturally.. i guess that i always chase after love but in the end, the people i love ran away from me.. avoiding me.. is it wrong to love someone? is it wrong to say to someone that you love him or her? is it wrong to be love by someone?

what is love? love is something beautiful that even i could not explain it.. however, love is also painful, cruel and can be hurting to us.. that is love.. but i do not really understand.. is what i am feeling now love? is it really love? or is it a mere crush on someone? it may sounds weird.. but i think that i might be crazy..

okay.. now i am more weirder than ever.. i guess that i should have just drop this topic.. ouh.. anyways, happy christmas everyone.. ouh.. actually it is boxing day already.. ahah.. i am very sure that this would be the time where all the presents are actually been unwrapped.. the thrilling of getting a present.. too bad.. i never had that kind of feelings before.. never received any gifts by anyone.. well, i think that i do want something.. i mean for my birthday i mean.. but it is already passed.. haha.. so i don't think that i would be able to receive anything.. haha.. lolol.. well i would see you guys tomorrow.. nights..

hey hey heya!!! abyss.. yesterday, i went back to malaysia.. ahha.. to celebrate aidiladha or also known as hari raya haji or korban.. for those who do not know korban means sacrifice.. haha.. but i would not go into details.. lolol..

hmm.. let's start about what happened on the first day of the open house.. haha.. it was both fun and irritating.. the fun part was that i was having fun while on stage.. even though that there is not many people.. at least some people did hear.. and i was glad that somebody did listen.. ahha.. i did a mistake during my performance by forgetting the lyrics.. damn!! and that was the last song, cassie.. haha.. lolol.. but at least i did not panic and just continue to stay calm and continue singing.. haha.. my dad came for all three days straight for the open house.. haha.. lolol.. the first day he wanted to see me perform.. i think karl's family was also there.. i am not sure.. but the auntie said that i can improve for my upcoming performance.. ahha.. lolol.. thanks auntie!! i will work hard ya!! ahah..

then it is time for my judo performance.. okay.. it was super irritating.. damn IRRITATING!! argh!! why can't they just announce when it is time for us to perform?? it is like there was no one there and only the republicans are watching.. sigh.. damn it.. it is the same for the next two days.. i was damn irritated by them.. sigh..

all right.. now we come to the second day of the open house.. sigh.. it was enjoying.. i think i get to see some of my friends performing.. haha.. lolol.. then i think i become part of the MC for the judo performance.. i think that the main attraction was the girls doing the kata (me and rara), small kid throw a big-sized guy (me and XB, me and SP) and "katek" villian getting thrown.. haha.. katek means short and it is somehow the unofficial word for pendek.. haha.. lolol.. XB was the hero for the day.. i mean on sunday.. haha.. but the hero changed when it comes to the last and final day of the open house..

wee!! and this time the aikido joined in.. haah.. well i can see that for the first performance, there was no people except for our school people and the judokas are supporting the aikido.. ahha.. kelvin and adam came too.. haha.. weee!! first round.. hero = kelvin.. ahha... lolol.. the aikido sensei's face was annoyed by the number of people of watching their performance.. that is how we felt for the past two days.. sigh.. at least during the performance we had some fun.. ahah.. ouh.. this is the time where the biatch came in.. ouh abyss.. why can't she just die that day.. i think that it would be better if she really die because she is damn a disgraced to all the facilitator in RP.. i could not imagine that faci would be so rude and have no respect for us students.. sigh.. we just fool around on our mats because that is how we are doing our stretching.. sigh.. then this biatch step on our tatami mats whick cost $100 each with her farking slipper!!! hello!! her slipper is dirty and there was footprints on the tatami mats.. i stood up and said, "excuse me.. no slippers please." i said with my manners intact.. and guess what she replied.. "why should i give you respect when you have no respect for me?" it is like what the abyss?? she should just die man.. but she could not do anything but just pointing fingers on us.. why?? we can just trashed her anytime we like.. ahha.. such a biatch.. everyone was like damn farking angry with her.. faci with no respect should not be a faci.. her manners is much more lower than a begger.. i think it is better that we tortured her slowly and let her have the feeling of slow death.. that would be awesome.. but i am so cute and gentle.. thus, i won't do anything to her.. haha.. i would just watch her steps.. old lady..

okai.. and now.. finally i got to know who is the one who had been calling me during the arts central rehearsal and during my judo performance.. it is prez's friend.. haha.. i forced him to answer my question.. "how do you know my name??" haha.. i don't know how he react at that time but it was as though he was trying to hide something.. haha.. i think that he did not expect me to just jump onto him and ask about it.. ahha.. lolol.. he finally told me that jolene talked about me to him.. ahha.. lolol.. well, i did ask jolene.. she said that he was close to hafiz or i just call him prez.. haha.. lolol.. well, prez wanted to have the feeling of getting thrown.. ahha.. lolol.. he just tried out judo.. haha.. ouh.. i forgot to mention.. his name is sadiq or sadik.. i am not sure which spelling is his correct name.. but i remember jolene typed sadiq.. ahha.. lolol.. ouh wateva.. as long as he is happy to call my name and i know his name.. that is fine with me.. haha.. i was seriously like searching for the person who call my name out of the blue.. haha.. okai.. it was a funny sight if you did see me search for the unknown voice.. haha.. now i know who calls.. its going to be my turn next!! muahaha... kies..

wow.. how long did i actually type?? haha.. lolol.. i wonder if a normal people would really type this long?? haha.. kies.. enjoy you holidays people.. haha.. i would be going to my friends' sister weddings and might drop to angus place wearing my baju kurung.. haha.. lolol.. xP

yesterday i started jamming with my temporary band, sane asylum.. hmm.. i wonder if i get the name correct.. i think i suck on the first verse of tourniquet and also cassie.. ahha.. i kind of not get the lyrics though i can sing without them playing.. i guess having a band its about being on timing and also team work and coordination.. haha.. lol.. but i had a lot of fun yesterday.. i guess that each one of us show the other side of us when we are jamming.. haha.. lol..

i made tim wait like for one hour.. i am so sorry.. sigh.. i did not expect to finish that late.. i guess that i should not make him wait when i am jamming.. ahaha.. lolol.. i promised him that i would treat him ice cream today as an apology but he is having cold.. guess that i should change the food choice.. ahha.. lolol.. hahah..

my abyss.. i am quite nervous about the performance on saturday even though its like 2 more days.. but it is 2 more days away.. i must try to sing without singing today.. haha.. lol.. i really hope that it would turn out well.. aha..

i met tim just now.. both before school and during second break.. haha.. well, the menu did change to "ham and cheese" waffle.. i forced him not to take any ice cream because he is sick.. ahah.. lolol.. well, i think that he don't mind though.. haha.. lolol..

kies.. i got to do my presentation slide.. will get back to you either tonight or tomorrow.. ;P

once again, hello there!! haha.. i am now listening to three songs that i need to put inside my head my tomorrow.. or i mean today.. haha.. "tourniquet - evanescence, cassie - flyleaf, salvation - cranberries".. haha.. well i think that the music did get into my head.. i just need to remember the lyrics.. haha.. lol.. hopefully during these three days of jamming i am able to prepare myself to sing these three songs.. hahah..

i am performing on the 15th of december!! that is one day before fara's birthday.. well i am just a replacement but i will try to put my best effort.. it won't be long before my real band "INCOGNITO" to come up stage and play the songs that we choose.. gosh.. it's very hard to find tul these days.. anyone knows where had he gone to?? i am damn puzzled.. it is like i am totally lost contacts with all of my band members and this is not a good sign.. i must make the effort to pull myself and the rest of the members together to be like we used to.. hopefully this band of mind will not be futile.. sigh.. ahha..

i did have a very weird dream yesterday.. or rather just now in the morning.. hahah.. i was performing on stage with some of my friends.. if i am not wrong, we were using katana (japanese sword) as the performance.. i was like damn puzzled of what i was doing.. from the stage suddenly the background changes to some japanese-modern kind of house.. ahha.. then it like im in the toilet with this guy i had seen before.. ahha.. it was weird.. what is more weird is that the only thing that i was wearing in that moment of time in the dream, only a towel covering my whole body.. then suddenly that guy was talking about my husband being dead.. haha.. i was like what the?? haha.. i feel that the guy was trying to comfort me.. it was like damn more weird when he suddenly grabbed and kissed me.. my abyss!! someone!! please kill me!! no way.. then the background changes again.. this time.. it was the deeper part of the house.. haha.. and guess what?? the people living in that house keep crocodiles as pet.. so i was like got chase by these idiotic croc.. and in that dream that it was lucky that the croc did not manage to get me.. haha.. lolol.. it was a really weird and funny incident.. hahaah...

well, who cares.. as long as i love my live, i would not be so desperate to end it so fast.. i still want to enjoy my live and falling in love with the correct person.. ahha.. lolol.. kies.. i am sleeping now.. nites...

hey hey.. haha.. this is my first time i listened to south park's soundtrack.. haha.. hahah.. so damn racist and too vulgar.. haha.. i keep on laughing when i keep hearing the songs.. haha.. anyone who wants to listen the songs can ask me.. haha.. though i only have "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch", "Merry Fucking Christmas" and also "Uncle Fucka".. i want laughing all the way when i heard these songs.. haha.. i wonder what they taught the children in the South Park.. ahah.. maybe all the vulgarities that existed in this world i think.. haha.. lolol..

wow.. today, the cognitive faci did not come.. but i just saw her on friday with her husband i think.. well, i don't care if she is already married. but all i know she was with some man who seems quite close to her. so maybe they are husband and wife.. ahha... who cares.. today's faci was not bad.. but i think she did give us some clues to help solve the problem statement.. that faci today turned out to be joanna's previous cognitive faci.. ahah.. she said that she always said good things but the grade turned out to be so different than what she is saying.. ahha.. lol..

i guess that tomorrow i want go for this talk.. if i am not wrong, it is about something got to do with abusing children and things like that.. lolol.. ahha.. lolol.. well.. i hope that it would be interesting so that i would not be able to fall asleep.. aaha.. lolol.. ahha

come to think of it, khai wants to borrow me for a while during the open house.. sigh.. i can do it for time.. but only for that time.. i really hope that fit would be able to make it the next time.. this is because i scared that my bandmates might say something hurting because i am helping another band.. sigh.. i really wonder if that shawn want to join our band or not.. sigh.. i must chat with him soon.. or it might be the end of our band.. and i really do not want that to happen.. sigh..

i got to find khai number and see when they want to jam.. so that i would be able to get use to them as soon as possible.. ahha.. lol

hey i'm back again.. and guess what?? yup!! today is my birthday.. ahah.. actually i can't wait for next year.. ahah.. once you are 18, you are allowed to buy cigarettes and legal to smoke!! wootsa!! ahah.. i think that today is the happiest day i ever had..

the first time that my classmates sing a birthday song to me.. i was like damn happy ar.. i can't believe this kind of thing actually happened to me.. thus, thank you with the birthday song.. honestly, i nearly cried just now.. haha.. lolol..

hahah.. tim treated me mint ice cream!! ahaha and also shaker fries.. lolol.. during the break after the talk, we went to W4 to buy the ice cream.. hahah.. lolol.. bought the shaker fries when we are at causeway point.. haha.. lols.. i took some pictures of me and him for the past few days.. haha.. it was like super fun taking photos with him.. haha.. lol.. i guess that i just love taking pictures with my friends because i want memories of having them at my side.. sigh..

anyways, many many thanks to the people who had wished me.. wee!! haha.. i am really very grateful to you.. haha.. i seriously am really touched.. i thought that i would receive zero comments as december babies are always been forgotten due to the holidays we had from kindergarten until secondary school.. sigh..

well, just come back from celebration with my family.. haha.. i love you mom and dad.. haha.. i met with my secondary mate and found out that she was working at greenridge pizza hut.. haha.. i guess that i would be able to see her if i am eating there.. haha.. yummy!! aha.. kies.. got to go back with my work..